missing you

Dear Max,

It’s been 17 months since you passed away.

I remembered the day it all happened. Your whole care team dropped by to see you and hug you… what they did for you that day always brings tears to my eyes. As a matter of fact, I’m tearing up right now thinking about how they stood by you that day and how much they cared for you. I keep remembering how you would ask Nick if you could punch him in the face (hahaha!) or the googley eyes you would give Kris-smells-good. I also remember all your drawings you would share (still trying to figure out the Felegator!) with your Doctors….

I know you saw me break down in the car yesterday. I haven’t had a cry like that since you passed. It’s so hard to see your pictures and think about what you would be like today. How tall would you be? What kinds of things would you be into? Would you beg me to let you play sports? Would you be asking for a new video game?

I see how other parents treat their kids and it makes me so angry. They ignore their kids and yell at them. Sometimes I don’t think they take care of them like they should. They don’t see how lucky they are to have their kids around.

I know it’s weird to say this, but I feel that now that your room is empty, it’s like I lost a part of you. I know you room looked different after you passed, and everything in there are only material objects… but leaving your room empty and leaving the entire house just seems like I’m closing the door on something. It’s hard to describe. It’s the only house you remember living in and leaving it behind breaks my heart.

I miss you. I miss you so much more every day you’re not around…

I love you, Bubba.

July 1st

It’s a little less than a week away from Max’s 10th birthday… another birthday where I won’t be able to hug my boy and watch him grow up. It’s hard to see these dates come and go and not want to curl up into a ball and spend the day in bed. However, I know Max wouldn’t approve of that if he were here. ;)  In true Max style, we’re going to celebrate and remember how much we love him.

For anyone who would like to show a little support that day, here are a few ways you can celebrate his birthday:

  • release some blue balloons
  • “pay-it-forward” to a stranger
  • enjoy a delicious donut
  • consider making a donation to Super Hero Kids (http://superherokids.org/)(the clinic Max was treated at and quite possibly the best clinic in the world!)
  • most importantly, spend some time with your children. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Enjoy the little things and make some memories. <3

Thank you, again for your support. Without Team Max, we wouldn’t be as strong as we are today. <3

shop Costco (& support the Children’s Miracle Network)

Hanging up in the Costco Store of North Austin for the month of May:



thank you

Thank you to everyone who let us honor Max the way we wanted to honor him today. We received so many messages of support and love today – it’s impossible to personally let everyone know how much it meant to us. Please know that your messages mean more to us than we will ever be able to express into words.

Today we were able to pick up 10 dozen donuts and distribute them around Austin: Austin Cancer Center at St. David’s North Austin, Dell Children’s Hospital, and the Child Blood and Cancer Center. All of these places helped Max when he was undergoing treatment and we couldn’t think of a better way than to stop by and thank them with some of Max’s favorite snack of donuts. It was great to see some of the staff we hadn’t seen since Max passed. There were tears shed today, but more importantly we remembered our favorite Max memories today. I wouldn’t have it any other way. <3

one year


I don’t even know how to begin this post…

It’s been a year now since I held you in my arms, baby boy. One year since I smelled your hair and held your hand… One year since I hugged you and told you it was okay to let go… you didn’t need to be in pain any more.

I talk to you everyday, but I still can’t believe this day came. I can’t believe there was a need for this day at all. Eight is far too young to be gone.

Time passes and you are still eight in my heart. You are still smiling and running around the house. You are still begging me to buy you cereal. You are still bugging your teacher with your insessant reading of Harry Potter. You are still asking Daddy to buy you more Legos. You are still yelling at your sister to stay out of your room…

I wish I could hold you one last time and never let you go. You didn’t deserve what happened to you… any of it. You were chosen… tested… and fought a good fight. In the face of adversity, you were brave and never gave up.

I’ll never give up on you. Your daddy, sister and I continue to live for you and remember you. You are never gone because you are always with us. You always will be.

I love you, baby boy.


Max’s Memorial Playlist

Anniversary Plans

With about a week to go, I realize it’s probably about time to share what you can do to honor Max on the 21st.

Some ideas are:

  • wear a Star Wars t-shirt
  • light a candle for him (and if the spirit so moves you, say a little prayer?)
  • pay-it-forward!
  • consider donating to Max’s oncology clinic here
  • most importantly – spend a little more time with your kids today because tomorrow is never promised

Thank you all! <3

may 7th & Mother’s Day

Wow… I didn’t realize how soon this date would get here.

It was two years ago we were told to go straight to the ER and given the diagnosis of Max’s tumor.

So much went on that day it all seems like a blur. I remember the news of the tumor and having a hospital social worker come in… I remember when you were wheeled to another room so we could be transported to Dell… how I had to call work in tears and let them know I wasn’t coming back… how I called your Tata and Nana with even more tears (and no doubt unintelligible) to tell them to meet us at the hospital. I had to find a way to explain to your sweet little heart what was going on… you were so strong. There was never a moment of doubt in your mind. Ever. Even when I told you what could happen.

I remember that week ended with your surgery to remove the tumor. We spent that Mother’s Day recovering in the hospital. Last Mother’s Day you looked at me, sitting in your wheel chair and your little eye patch, to give me a painting you worked so hard on. This year, I can’t imagine that day without you. My heart hurts and it feels incomplete. I wish we could skip over that day. I wish there was a way to forget that day even exists. If I can’t have you here with me for it, I don’t want to celebrate it.

I miss you. Oh my God, I miss you. I hope you’re happy. Thank you for visiting Daddy in his dreams the other night. He told me that was the first time he could remember you in his dreams and he said you were laughing the whole time. Please keep coming to us in dreams, let us know you’re happy. We love you. <3

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Children’s Miracle Network

Dear Max,

Yesterday I gave up your post office box. Nothing was being sent to you anymore and I felt sad. I felt as if, in a way, I was releasing another little part of you. I was holding on to the box out of comfort. When I turned the key in, a little part of me cried. I got the box for you, but I didn’t have use for the box anymore… I wish you were still here to receive your mail and keep opening your packages. <3

Today I gave a speech at Dell. You would’ve been proud of me. You know I hate speeches, especially those that involve talking to a big group of people I don’t know. K from the Children’s Miracle Network asked me to talk about Dell and how much they meant to us. They meant so much to us while you were under their care (and still do!). Although I had to prepare everything by writing it down, I was able to tell your story. My knees were shaking, but I kept thinking about how if you could go through chemo, certainly a little speech wouldn’t hurt me. Everyone was hanging on my every word… I could hear the room gasp when I let them know you were no longer with us. I hope that by sharing your story I was able to not only share the light that you were for me, but I hope I also brought about some cancer awareness and let them know about Dell and the CBCC. DCH and the CBCC feels like family to us and I know you would’ve been doing everything you could to charm them all. <3

I miss you. I love you…

~ mommy

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Dear Max,

Every time I sit down to write you a letter, I don’t know how to begin.

I miss you so much. SO SO much.


We had Easter this weekend. It broke my heart not seeing you there this year, helping your sister find Easter eggs or trying to sneak up on Daddy to break a cazcaron on him. Sissy had an Easter egg hunt and Daddy helped her by looking for eggs  for you… but it’s just not the same. Every holiday that we’ve had since you’ve been gone has been a little bit empty and dull. I miss the spark and energy you brought with you everywhere you went. For some reason, it seems like the closer the holidays get to your anniversary, they more they tear me up inside. It seems like every holiday reinforces the idea that you’re missing and I can’t hug you like I want to. I want to be able to shower you with kisses and hug you until you laugh so hard you can’t breathe.

I know she may not have shown it while you were around, but your sister loves you very much. She’s letting her guard down more and I’ve caught her crying for you. We had a good cry the other day for you. I think it was good for the both of us. The only way we could get each other to stop would be to say what you would if you were around. We remembered the funny things you would say and we ended it laughing with each other…

You’re always on my mind and in my heart. It never fails – just when you’re the strongest on my mind, I find a little secret you left behind and I think of it as your way of saying you’re still here. 

I wish you were. I wish you were here. I had no idea last Easter that you would be gone a month later. That month slipped away so suddenly and I pray that there was a way that I could just get five minutes back so I could hold you again.

I love you, baby boy. I miss you more than you could ever imagine.


Love… to infinity and beyond,





Hard to believe another month has come and gone. It seems like this month was the hardest of them all.

We have been following Team Amber on Facebook. She was 18 years old and had GBM just like Max did. She lost her fight against cancer earlier this month.

Around the same time, I got word that my uncle, who was also fighting a form of brain cancer, passed away. He leaves behind my aunt and two small children.

When is this going to end?! When is pediatric cancer going to get the recognition and funding it deserves?! I see everyone wear pink during the month of October for breast cancer and men sport mustaches in November in support of those suffering from prostate cancer. Does everyone know about wearing gold in September for pediatric cancer? When is that going to be a big issue?!

It hit me last week when I was in Spring Break, where I was a year ago. It brings tears to my eyes to remember getting a phone call at work telling me Max’s cancer had returned. I remember vividly breaking down in the office and letting them know I wasn’t going to come back at all after Spring Break. My dry erase calendar on the fridge still has MARCH 2013 on there — all the appointments and important dates were never changed. I still can’t believe that just two months after I got the news, he would be gone.

I was out of town for Spring Break this year. I had been planning it since October. As much as I tried to have fun and spend time with my family, the nights were hard knowing what was going on in my life just a year prior.




It is obvious to know he is still with us. A lot of you may not believe that spirits can communicate after someone has passed, but I say, you clearly have never lost anyone close to you, especially a child. There have been too many “coincidences” since he passed. Things just happen out of nowhere… like when he passed and we would walk into stores and hear one of his songs come on… standing in line and hear a lady call to her son “Max” to come on… he appears to me and other people in our dreams. Perhaps the weirdest things to happen lately include a toy Scott was putting away: it has a piece that can shoot out. Well, to make the toy shoot the piece, requires much pressure and he walked into the closet one day to find the piece on the floor. He put it back, and made sure it clicked into place and left. Sometime the next day, it happened again. This toy isn’t battery operated or loose in any way… yet the missile shot out… another instance also included Scott. He was at work cleaning out a ConEx (think of one of those big shipping containers that trains carry). The ConEx was filled with supplies and closed up sometime last year. No one had touched it or gone in it (as many of the guys were deployed). Scott sends me a message and in the back of the ConEx (after everything had been taken out), he found a half of a Lego man. What would that be doing in a military ConEx?! He asked and found out the container was closed the day after Max passed. We both found that to be amazing.

While my daughter and I were gone, Scott worked on Max’s room. After he passed, we pretty much just threw all his mail in there and closed the door. We would occasionally go in to get a book from his shelf or something, but we would come right back out. As much as it didnt feel like his room anymore b/c it was covered in letters and boxes, we still felt him in there.

Tonight, we all went into Max’s room. He passed and for a while he continued to receive mail. A lot of that mail was just put into his room, unopened. We walked in and started going through some of the unopened mail. I think we sat there for a good hour just opening mail and looking at all the packages and letting each other know which ones he would’ve thought were cool. There’s still so much to do in that room, but we’re still taking it slow in there.

If you have any spare mojo, good thoughts, etc., can you send them this way? Within the past month, our daughter has been much more emotional over Max not being here. She was the one that supported me those first few months. She came to me in tears the other night because she found a video of Max and she told me she missed him so much. I don’t know what’s caused the sudden turn of emotions, but it’s hitting her hard at times. <3

One last thing: I want to start a charity or non-profit in Max’s name. I don’t know what to do or how to go about doing it. I’m open to ideas and suggestions!


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